Jaws:The Revenge

Hypothetical Netflix Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Unless you like a good bad movie like I do, then it’s a 4 out of 5.

Dear God, is this movie terrible in the best possible way. A little bit of background on the movie before we get into it. Michael Caine got paid $1.5 million to appear in this movie. He worked for one week on it. This movie costed in the ballpark of $30 million. Michael Caine gets paid around 5% of the films total budget to try and bang Ellen Brody. Don’t worry, Chief Brody is mercifully dead in this movie; although he does show up thrice (once in a portrait, twice in flashbacks). Caine took a role in his movie not just for the money, but also the tropical locale. Although the money did buy Caine an awesome rich person house. Kinda makes you wish you were Michael Caine in 1987, doesn’t it? Anyway.

This movie had me laughing at how bad it was from the first time Sean Brody, Mitchell Anderson, opens his stupid mouth. I don’t mean to say that his mouth is stupid necessarily, just the sounds that come out of it are just whiny, chewy wads of stupid. His death scene (not really a spoiler because it happens within the first five minutes) is so cheesy it’s wonderful.

Sean gets eaten by a shark and Ellen goes to the Bahamas to be with Michael. You know, her son who just so happens to be doing marine research because, you know, sharks.

Lorraine Gary, Ellen Brody, retired from acting after this movie. She cashed in her all chips on it. Her whole character arch in this movie- worried mother learns to stop worrying about sharks murdering her sons through the sweet seduction of Michael Caine. It’s like How Stella Got Her Groove Back, but with sharks. And Stella’s son has to watch Michael Caine put the moves on his mom. Awkward.

The best part of this movie, beyond anything listed above: the shark. When I watched that hunk of rubber ram itself open mauled into the side of a boat, I died. It’s unapologetically terrible. It’s great. This whole movie is great in its terribleness.

Also, another fun fact about this movie; it’s the first time the tagline, “This time…It’s personal” was used. I can’t even typed that without hearing Don LaFontaine’s buttery voice saying it.

 

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One thought on “Jaws:The Revenge

  1. Pingback: Bone Tomahawk | Look At All Those Movies

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